some dumb dave fan just let loose the hounds

It has come to my attention that a little debate has broken out about "The Dave Matthews Post." (I only recently discovered this because I'm not the kind of person who checks his posts for comments everyday. That would be arrogant.) Well, I hate to say it (no I don't), but I told you so. This debate is my fault, as it usually is, but there's no way in hell I'm going to pass up an opportunity like this. I'm going to town in this post, and it's gonna be fun as hell.

First off, to Zack. I am aware that Phish is no longer together. I hope that you are aware that Led Zeppelin no longer tours either, and yet I still referenced them. I don't really see what relevance it has that they are broken up, but they were still a jam band. And yes, I have heard "Tangerine" by "Dave" (for the sake of typing I am going to refer to him as "Dave," in quotes, instead of just Dave, or DMB, because I am not a fan of these fanboy labels), and I did not enjoy it. Hence the reason I referenced the song in my previous post. I said it was bad because I thought it was bad. Now, granted, it may not even be "Dave's" fault on this one. It's pretty hard to do any Zep song justice.

Now for the extremely entertaining part. I must say this immediately, before I make my arguments. To anyone who doesn't agree with me, guess what? It's my opinion, and it's my blog. Fuck off. If you don't like it, don't whine about it, don't read it, don't talk to me. But for the sake of argument (since I love this argument so much), I'm going to dignify your comments with a response. I will do this systematically and logically, following each and every point through to what I have to say (I'm gon' use a bulleted list!). I'm going to be a smartass, and put down some dumb "Dave" fan(s), but it's all in good fun, so if you take any of this as a direct personal assault on your character, good, that's what I'm going for. Just kidding. To quote Calvin: "A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of will and add drama to an otherwise dull day." Enjoy the debate.

• "Argument" #1 - Dave Matthews never sold out and is not in it for the money. I want to address this issue first, because I feel it is the most important. I was going to go in order of the statements in the comments section, but this deserves the top spot. Any musician, I don't care who it is, is in the business for the money. If they say they aren't, they're full of shit. If you think they aren't, you're obviously a little slow. I want to make movies. Why? Because the money is good, and I'm good at it. So more or less, easy money. Am I a bad person? No. Is "Dave" a bad person for wanting money? No. He's a bad person for marketing the same song under different titles.
• "Retarded Statement" #2 - "'Dave' sold out the Great Lawn of Central Park with over 100,000 people, and continues to sell out 40,000+ person venues, Giant's Stadium and Soldier Field just to name a few, night after night- some concerts three nights in a row- all summer long, every summer." Taken directly from the comment. This is meaningless. You know, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, N'SYNC all sell out venues just as big. Are they good artists? Hell no. It just proves that simpletons like simple music, and there are a helluva lot of simpletons in the world. At least enough to sell out a large concert venue. If you want a better point than the one I've made here, check Tom's comment on the first "Dave" post.
• "Statistic Thrown in for Aesthetic Value" #3 - "According to Entertainment Weekly, Dave holds 7 of 15 spots on the highest attended concerts in U.S. history." This sort of fits in with argument #2. Now, I respect Entertainment Weekly a great deal. I assume they check their facts. Now either some dumb "Dave" fan doesn't check their facts, or Google has failed me, because I can't find any trace of this alleged article. But I can find AskMen.com's top 10 highest attended concerts of all time. Unless someone is mistaken, "Dave" isn't in any of the top ten, so how can he have 7 of the top 15? Even if this is true, see my rebuttal to #2. Doesn't prove a thing.
• "I'm-Running-Out-of-Names-for-This-Stupid-Shit" #4 - "He has the best-selling independent record of all time." If this is true, it's quite an accomplishment. Now I could be wrong here, but I assume that when you say "independent record" you mean an album released by an independent label. Most independent labels sign much lesser known bands, and given the success (albeit undeserved) of "Dave" and his "band" it wouldn't be hard to outstrip a garage band from Long Island named The Radioactive Shit Machines. Good job, "Dave."
• "Complete and Utter Bullshit" #5 - "I don't think I even need to comment on the vast talent underlying every member of the band, but I will anyway... a completely unique style of acoustic guitar, extremely accomplished jazz/classical backgrounds, and a drummer that has been professionally performing in jazz clubs since the age of nine, who is also known to be amongst the world's best." First of all, if you didn't think the comment about "talent" of the band was needed, then why bother? You knew I was going to refute you, so you just fed the fire I guess. I could just say that I hate his style of music, lay out my opinion and be done with it. But I'm going to go a little further than that. You say "Dave" is "completely unique." Semantics be damned, no one in music is completely unique. Acoustic guitar is hardly ever unique. Everyone from Simon and Garfunkel to Eric Clapton has used an acoustic guitar, and I don't really see what defines "Dave's" "style" over any other acoustic performer. Jazz/classical backgrounds, or in other words "credibility" is a point I will concede. I'm not even going to bother looking anything up on this, because it's not really an argument for or against the "band." To be in a band, any band even a bad one, you gotta have some sort of musical background. Now, for the drummer. One of the world's best? Says who?? I couldn't tell you the guy's name without looking it up. In an age of musical drought where almost every band within a genre sounds the same, there are no truly great instrumentalists. Some are destined for greatness, with further experience, exposure, and expansion, but I cannot think of one musician from any band that I would consider "legend." The only person worth a damn in the whole "band" is Tim Reynolds and he's smart enough not to be permanently associated with them.
• "Let's Kill the Messenger, Because He's Brought Me Bad News" #6 - "What does Andrew McNally know about music?" Now this anonymous poser, I mean poster, said some things directed at yours truly, just to bolster his (or her, we can all tell this is a bitch talking) argument. I won't do the same, but only because I don't know who this person is. I have theories, but I'm not throwing them out there, just in case they're wrong. I'm going to refer to this poster, in this bullet, as "asshole" for the sake of brevity. First, asshole said, "I hope he's not one of those posers who sits down and pretends he knows how to play a guitar by strumming some Jed Clampet bullshit." I don't know what this has to do with anything. I never claimed to be good at guitar. I play when I can. Revis is better than me. I know Dueling Banjos (which I assume is what he means by "Jed Clampet bullshit" and for the record, The Beverly Hillbillies was a quality television show. Let's not drag Jed's name through the mud. The song isn't even from The Beverly Hillbillies. It's most recognized from Deliverance. Nice try though.), and it's not my musical talent that is in question here. Next, asshole stated, "I would think he knows who sings Fool in the Rain, that Phish broke up, and that Led Zeppelin was not a jam band- as any dumb Dave fan would." I do know who sings "Fool in the Rain" but when I think Led Zeppelin, I don't think "Fool in the Rain." I think "Stairway to Heaven" as any dumb Zeppelin fan would. I knew Phish broke up, but again, that has no relevance to the argument. Just because they broke up doesn't mean anything, they were still a jam band, and one that I prefer over "Dave" and his repetitive solos. Asshole sure is a pretentious asshole. As for Zep not being a jam band, this is a matter of opinion. Jimmy Page once played a 25 minutes version of "Dazed and Confused." He wasn't jamming, though I guess. Asshole then added, "Because if he didn't, I'd tell him to shut his fucking mouth." Good thing I did know all those things, so you don't have to tell me that. In fact, I should be telling you that. But wait, my character was attacked even more! This one is a doozy: "He's probably just another one of those asshole "rebels" who take pleasure in being their own petty version of "misunderstood," and who talk like they know more than everyone around them, bitching about shit thinking that people want to listen to their bitching, when actually everyone is praying that they will shut the fuck up and let everyone enjoy themselves." I'm a rebel because I listen to different music than you? Okay. Rebels get chicks. I can dig it. I'm misunderstood? Okay. Misunderstood guys get chicks. I don't really know what to say to these statements because they are just exaggerations of my attitude, and I can't really fight back, since asshole decided to puss out and not leave a name. I don't talk like I'm better than everyone else. I talk like I have better taste in music than you. And you seem to be doing the same thing to me. So who's really the bad guy here? I'm gonna say it's you, and you're gonna say it's me. I may bitch about "Dave" but only when everyone shoves it down my throat. If I hear someone say "How can you not like 'Dave'?" one more goddamn time, I'm jumping off the Whitman Street Bridge, screaming "Dave Matthews is my father!" as I plummet to my premature death. If you want to enjoy yourself, then listen to "Dave" somewhere else. I want to enjoy myself too, so why don't you play some music everyone agrees on? Damn.
• "Greatest Misstatement of All Time" # 7 - "I'd say sounds like this guy needs to listen to some more music before he feels he's in a position to critique it." I could go all day on this one. I guarantee my music selection is more diverse than your iPod full of "Dave" and OAR, asshole. 750 songs downloaded onto my computer. I even have some "Dave" on there. *Gasp!* Blasphemy! Fuck you. I have a taste for the songs that don't sound like all the rest. The ones that have what they call hooks. And now, for your reading enjoyment, I'm going to give you an abbreviated list some of the bands I am interested in. These are the more obscure bands that I'm sure some dumb "Dave" fan has never listened to before. Hell, some of them aren't even that obscure, and he still probably hasn't heard them because he's too busy pumping his ears full of the eighteenth version of "Ants Marching." Rap: Aesop Rock, Beastie Boys, Common, Kanye West, Louis Logic, X-Ecutioners, Cypress Hill. Rock: Wilco, ZZ Top, Led Zeppelin, Weezer, Van Halen, Jet, The Darkness, A Perfect Circle, AC/DC. Shit you've never heard of, and never would have heard of if I hadn't told you about it: ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead, Antony and the Johnsons, The Apples in Stereo, Bloc Party, Broken Social Scene, Epicure, Frog Eyes, Gov't Mule, Handsome Boy Modeling School, Jazz Mandolin Project, Ladytron, LCD Soundsystem, Meat Puppets, Neutral Milk Hotel, Radar Bros., Secret Machines, Sondre Lerche, Sons and Daughters, Sparklehorse, The Arcade Fire, The Books, The Decemberists, The Kills (no, I don't mean the Killers, but guess what? I like them too), The Magnetic Fields, The Shins, The Von Bondies, and World Leader Pretend. There is so much more, including Beck, Ben Folds, Rolling Stones, Nazareth, The Flaming Lips, The Black Keys, Interpol, Gorillaz, Death Cab for Cutie, Guster, Jamiroquai, The Modern Lovers, Flogging Molly, Ben Harper, and Blur. Throw in some Bach, Beethoven, and Mozart. And don't forget almost all classic rock. These bands encompass all genres including punk, hip-hop, folk, hard rock, indie rock, jazz, emo, and pop. I know almost as much about music as I do about movies and that's saying a lot. Do I need to listen to more music? Or am I entitled to "critique" it now? Am I allowed my opinions yet? Some dumb "Dave" fan would totally turn America into Cuba if he could. And the only thing coming out of the loudspeakers? No, not communist propaganda. Dave Matthews. In his comment he added, "But fuck that... Dave doesn't need McNally's ticket to continue to sell out the nation's biggest venues. He's Dave. 'Nuff said. People give a damn about him." You're goddamn fucking right "Dave" doesn't need my ticket. He's got enough retards to compensate for one guy with taste. He ain't never gettin' my ticket either. I'll go see Kings of Leon again. People do give a damn about "Dave" but I just don't know why.
• "One Final Blow to My Ego" #8 - "I wouldn't worry about the RIAA reading your bullshit- I doubt they give a damn." I don't think the RIAA would bother reading about my opinion on "Dave" either. I made that statement referring to the fact that I illegally download music. They do care about that you know. It must have taken a long time to download every single "Dave" song, including all the live versions which are "way better." I'd say you'd better watch out for the RIAA too, but I don't think I would mind seeing you interrogated by a man in a black suit.

My bulleted list is finished. But I'm far from done. Tom, Mark, James, Dave, Zack, Steve, and Asshole have all clearly stated their opinions, and I'm glad we could turn this into such a mudslinging free-for-all. This is one of my favorite arguments to get into. But just remember, unless your name is Hitler, Mussolini, or Castro, everyone still has a right to their own opinions. But if you shove your opinion in my face and tell me I'm wrong, you're gonna catch hell from me, I tell you what.

A few more things I'd like to point out. Zack said, "I think there's a lot of pressure on big bands like Dave to branch out with their music, because people get sick of hearing the exact same sound." That's exactly my problem with "Dave." All his music sounds the same. Even his "branching out" sounds like the same old shit. James said, "Speaking of which, I have something to say to Mark: 'Oh man, the fallout boys are sooo cool!'" James, you are mistaken. The Fallout Boys (or as they are more commonly known, Fall Out Boy) are not cool. Mark thinks so, I disagree, you disagree. In all honesty though, I have downloaded some of their songs as well, and not all of them are total shit. Some of them are even tolerable. Maybe in a few years we can have a similar debate out Fall Out Boy.

I think that's enough to keep this bonfire burning. Go at it boys. Mark likes to act tuff, Zack, so let him. He's not afraid of you. In fact, I think I heard him say that you throw like a girl, or something. He may have said that you were cool or something, I wasn't really paying attention, but you guys should still fight. That's one dance I'd pay to see. On a final note, I will NOT let my blog degrade into a "Dave" forum. When I'm sick of the argument, it stops on this blog. I won't mention it, I won't entertain any arguments, I'll be done, and so will you. So get your kicks now, and be careful what you say to me, because I got an attitude and I can back the shit up too. Congratulations to some dumb "Dave" fan, for inspiring my longest post to date. I'm never wasting this much time on this subject again. You're an asshole. Cue Mark's "Try To Get Me" dance.

Currently enjoying:

NOT DAVE MATTHEWS.

Next ish: Nothing to do with Dave Matthews! Canada soon, you'll have to do without my wit from Aug. 5th to Aug. 12th.

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